DEAR PETE...

NO HOLDS BARRED

Raja Petra Kamarudin

Dear Pete,

I plan to get a dog but I live in a neighbourhood where some of my neighbours are Muslims. I was told that dogs are taboo to Muslims and I do not want to upset my neighbours. I also read somewhere that the majlis perbandaran has a team of dogcatchers that goes around mercilessly killing dogs. How can I ensure that I do not upset my Muslim neighbours and will not run foul of the authority?

Mike

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Dear Mike,

Muslims do not like doggies licking them as doggie saliva is considered najis or unclean. They have no problems getting licked by pussies though. In fact, they quite enjoy it. Just make sure that your doggie does not lick any Muslim and you should face no problems. The best would be to keep your doggie within your compound and not allow it to stray outside. Anyway, doggies that stray all over the place face the risk of getting knocked down by a car or it might catch an infectious disease. So that is all the more reason to keep them within your compound. And avoid Mongolian breeds as the police SWAT team has been told to be on the lookout for Mongolian bitches, though for what reason I really don’t know.

Pete

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Dear Pete,

I am engaged in a land dispute and was advised, in the absence of a valid land title, to file a Statutory Declaration to support my claim that I am the owner of the land. Will such a Statutory Declaration stand up in court?

Clarence Tan

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Dear Clarence Tan,

Statutory Declarations are no longer regarded as having any credibility, like in the past, so the court may not give any weight to it. Anyway, you might run the risk of getting charged in court as, nowadays, those who sign Statutory Declarations are arrested and charged for criminal defamation. Nevertheless, if you sign a new Statutory Declaration within 24 hours to recant what you said in your first Statutory Declaration then you will be exempted from prosecution. Instead of signing a Statutory Declaration, my advice would be to engage a well-connected lawyer with strong links to the Attorney-General and Chief Justice and try to ‘negotiate’ your case ‘under the table’ before it goes to court. Most cases in Malaysia are won on this basis. I could probably give you the name of an Indian-Muslim lawyer whom you can get in touch with if you contact me privately.

Pete

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Dear Pete,

I am a Muslim and my ustaz advices me that Muslims should not participate in candlelight vigils, as, according to Islam, this is considered haram. Is this true?

Maimunah Harun

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Dear Maimunah Harun,

Yes, that is true. So make sure that the organisers first apply for a police permit. Any assembly of more than four people at a candlelight vigil is haram and you can get arrested for participating in a perhimpunan haram if you do not have a police permit. The police would normally approve your permit application as long as you do not light any candles at the candlelight vigil.

Pete

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Dear Pete,

Yesterday, the Anti-Corruption Agency arrested my cousin and alleged that he had attempted to bribe a Road Transport Department officer. They found the money hidden in his underwear and said that they had been monitoring his movements for some time on suspicion of handing out dirty money. What should I advice him to do? Should he just plead guilty and hope for a lesser sentence or should he fight the case out in court?

Wong

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Dear Wong,

It would be very hard for the prosecution to prove that your cousin had attempted to hand out dirty money unless they can first prove that his underwear was not clean. I would advice him to fight the case out in court. Just make sure that he removes his underwear and lodges it in a safe place or else something ‘dirty’ might be planted on it like they sometimes do in cases such as sodomy.

Pete

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Dear Pete,

I run my own business and am engaged in state government contracts. At the end of every year, just before Christmas, I hand out ‘red packets’ to the government officers who sign my contracts. Should I stop handing out ‘red packets’ in the Pakatan Rakyat-run states or is it safe to continue doing so?

Kok Leong

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Dear Kok Leong,

I think it would be dangerous to continue handing out ‘red packets’ to the government officers in the Pakatan Rakyat-run states. I would suggest you hand out ‘green packets’ instead, which is more Islamic, and which the PAS members of Pakatan Rakyat would be more comfortable with.

Pete